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August 4, 2006
Married to the Ministry: has the pastor’s wife’s role changed for better or worse?
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When my wife and I interviewed at my present church she asked what expectations the congregation had of staff spouses. She was told, "We just expect spouses to be church members like everyone else - serving, attending worship, and living uprightly. You know, no smoking pot in the back of the church." That's a pretty low bar, my wife thought, but one she could reach.
Of course, things have not always been so easy for clergy wives. Opinion Journal recently posted an article by Lauren Winner (author of "Girl Meets God" and "Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity") about the changing expectations placed on spouses of ministers. Below are a few excerpts. Read Winner's entire article here.
Until fairly recently, hiring a minister or rabbi was a two-for-one deal: Into the bargain, churches and synagogues got A Wife, who would host teas, teach religious-education classes, sing in the choir. All this, of course, without a salary.
But she did get a job title--the diminutive rebbetzin in Jewish communities and the clunkier, and somehow more ominous, minister's wife in Protestant circles?
Second-wave feminism was, for clerical wives, a double-edged sword: No longer were women accorded honor and respect simply because they were married to a minister. And some clergy wives, reading "The Feminine Mystique" along with everyone else, began to rethink all those hours they had devoted to polishing the church silver. A role that had once seemed noble began to seem, well, exploitative?
Why is the wife's contribution to that work somehow defined by her husband? ("I sometimes muse that if I died, my husband would remarry, and someone else would assume my role in his ministry, but that if he died, I would not only lose my husband, I would also lose my position as a colleague in campus ministry," says one of my friends, the wife of a campus minister.)
?The problem with a facile feminist critique of the role of clergy wife is that it misses the real beauty of the collaboration sometimes found in clerical marriages. There is something wonderfully seamless about their lives--their work and their marriage is all of a piece. Husband and wife are profoundly knitted together, and their shared calling offers something of a rebuke to the hyper-individualism that characterizes so many American marriages. Indeed, they may set a nice example for the flock.
Posted by UrL Scaramanga on August 4, 2006
Comments
Another outstanding piece from Lauren Winner.
She says that some women who were not allowed to pastor themselves, married pastors and thus found some fulfillment by engaging in the limited amount of pastoral work expected of a pastor's wife.
I have also seen extremely competent pastorally gifted women who have found their way into roles as "administrative assistant" or church secretary. In another setting, these competent gifted women may have considered seminary and become outstanding pastors themselves. Interestingly, according to 2005-2006 report by the Association of Theological Schools, there are almost as many "Black" women pursuing their Masters of Divinity degree these days as men (2,366 Men and 2,330 Women). However, for "White", the numbers are still quite far apart: 16,268 Men and 6,791 Women.
Other pastorally gifted women have gone into "Christian Education," chaplaincy, or counseling as the acceptable approximations for church ministry. And others struggle wondering what to do with their pastoral gifting when they haven't met the right man and what to do with their time when they are struggling with infertility. (See the journeys of Carolyn Custis James and Gretchen Gaebelein Hull as told in their books).
Sadly for many of our young women growing up in evangelical churches, becoming the pastor's wife still seems like their best shot at being involved in church ministry. The number one nonfiction book on the Christian Bestsellers List for September 2006 is Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. As a professor at Taylor University, an evangelical Christian college, I can tell you that young Christian women are reading it in droves. Unfortunately as Agnieszka Tennant points out in her Aug 2006 Christianity Today article "What (Not All) Women Want: The finicky femininity of Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge", the Eldredge's advocate a "tame idea of beauty" - one exemplified by "Pioneer women [who] brought china teacups into the wilderness." There are other ways of being beautiful. I know because I have a pastor's wife who has her MDiv just like me. I'm thrilled to be a pastor's husband.
Posted by: Andy Rowell at August 11, 2006
Wow Andy, your comment is better than the original article! I have wrestled with the role of women in ministry, wanting to respect God's order in the home and church, but not wanting to hold women back from serving God.
In the charismatic tradition, women like Kathryn Kuhlman reluctantly entered ministry. When she kept asking God why He wasn't calling a man to do it, she said that God told her that the men weren't obeying him, and so he was calling her! Interesting theology there.
When I was in missions, it was admitted that not only are there more women than men in missinos (good place for a single guy missionary to be ;), but that in many cultures, they were more effective because they weren't seen as a threat like men often are by the local government leaders, who feel like their authority is being challenged by these incoming men.
Posted by: seeker at August 14, 2006
I am a Baptist pastor. My wife of 6 years started out just helping in the nursery. But as we served and prayed for our church together, God gradually gave her a burden and then a passion for the women of our church. Subsequently, she helped lead a women's Bible study, then led two studies, then began taking women to conferences and mentoring women. The point is we are now co-ministering, sharing the same burden, doing different but complimentary ministries in our church - and it is GREAT! She is no longer just my encourager in ministry, she is my partner in ministry, and we both LOVE it!
Ed and Jodi Reese
Posted by: Ed Reese at August 16, 2006
I've been serving with my husband in our church for seven years. I'm dealing with the issue of church members not wanting me to do anything but sit on the front pew! I've been used to working and serving in God's house, not sitting and soaking. Most of the time I assist with music, teaching and media. While it is true that the members are to be equipped to do ministry, I don't think that means that Pastor and "first lady"(that's what they call me) do nothing! I'm not called to be a statue to be admired, but a servant to be used of God. Pray for me everybody, this stuff is driving me nuts!
Posted by: Gina R Johnson at August 18, 2006
I know I am going slightly off-topic here, but I wanted to respond to two comments that are representative of ideas I have encountered many times in ministry.
Andy posted that "Other pastorally gifted women have gone into "Christian Education," chaplaincy, or counseling as the acceptable approximations for church ministry." And Ed posted that My wife of 6 years started out just helping in the nursery. But..."
I am a licensed minister, called by God to serve the children of the church. Is my calling less than that of "real" pastors because my congregation is shorter? Am I settling for a "lesser" role because I am a woman?
I am thrilled that I live and serve in a day and age where women are allowed to serve (in certain religious circles, anyway) wherever they are called, even in traditionally male roles. However, I dream of the day when ministry roles are viewed soley on the standard of a call from God, rather than visibility, responsibility, and respectability. Maybe someday, people will applaud a calling to Missions, Children's Ministry, or Counseling as legitimate, instead of viewing it as the domain of unconfident, stifled, or imcompetent women who couldn't rise to the challenge of real pastoral ministry.
Posted by: Rebecca Blann at August 21, 2006
I've been in full time ministry with my husband for over 25 years now. I knew that he was going into the ministry when we married but I loved him and would have married him even if he had not been in full tme ministry. I would have ministered beside him no matter what the job. I've never craved titles or credit for all of the hours I've spent ministering beside him. I serve out of a genuine love for and appreciation for what the Lord has done for me. I don't know if ministry and life for pastor's wives is harder than it was many years ago or not. I just know that few of my years have been comfortable or easy. Most of my pastor's wife friends and I struggle alot and pray like mad.
Posted by: L Bandi at August 22, 2006
I am a married male who has served the church for the past 12 years. Whatever spiritual gift has been given to anyone, including the pastor's wife, they should use.
However, there is no spiritual gift of Pastor's Wife. Many local congregations and pastors still think the pastor's wife should have a role in the church. She should NEVER have a role in the church because she is the pastors wife. That is called nepotism. Sbe should have a role in the church because she is gifted for a particular ministry, has the passion for it, and the congregation has a use for it. She should be as free to use her spiritual gifts as anyone else. But it should not be expected by the congregation of her or expected by her to serve where ever she wants.
Furthermore, when it comes to staffing, there are different dynamics and expectations. Congregations must cautiously guard against hiring family members of current staff. It's called nepotism, which can evolve into poor boundaries, lack of objectivity, conflict of interest, and division, not only in the church but in the home of the pastor.
Posted by: Bob Brantsch at August 24, 2006
The discussion has mainly focused on the role of pastor's wife, but I will point out that it works the other way too. If you are pastor's husband (as I am) you find yourself in an interesting position. You are not the pastor but not just another member of the congregation either. You have to figure out where you fit. If you are involved in minstry at the church, as I am, then you may get some who feel the spouse has "too much influence". If you take a more passive role, as some male spouses do, you may get people upset that you aren't more involved.
People who meet my wife and I together always ask, "Now, are you a pastor as well?" Or if they meet me without my wife, they might incorrectly assume that I'm the pastor. They still get hung up on the idea that the man should be the pastor I guess.
Sometimes people at church say, "Well we get two [pastors] for the price of one..." No, not really ... I do preach on occasion but that's not what God calls me to do, that's my wife's role and she does it quite well! Yet, we do function as a ministry team. Her gifts and mine seem to complement each other well.
You might be interested in my blog at www.3cords.org --> Can These Bones Live Again
ALAN WARD
Posted by: Alan Ward at October 6, 2006