I heard they're forced to pass out communion in cups 3 ounces or smaller and sealed in individual plastic baggies.

And I thought Focus on the Family was kidding about what would happen if Obama was elected.

Ever since Ernie was awarded "Usher of the Year" he's taken his role much more seriously.

This is why Hindus just leave their shoes outside.

Is that usher wearing a rubber glove?!

For small is the gate, and narrow is the way that leads to salvation.

I knew, one way or another, they would put an end to cell phones ringing during the services.

We are on hightened security alert. He must be preaching on tithing again!

I miss the good old days - when the biggest trouble makers in the church were the gossips.

Looks like we are expecting guests from the rival church across town.

Enter into His gates with a stripsearch!

The pastor got some negative feedback on lengthening the service past noon.

"As the economy soured and tithing was on the decrease Pastor Bob was forced to take drastic measures in search of additional funds"

Carl Holmes
Boulder Street Church
Colorado Springs, CO

"A dyslexic senior staff official misread the CIA's statement that 'All Terrorists are Fundamentalists' as 'All fundamentalists are terrorists'"

or

"What happens when the government realizes that all terrorists are fundamentalists."

Marianne
Reformation Fellowship
Eugene, Oregon

Tough times! Who'd have imagined they'd be screening us for extra change before letting us go!

this is a book-of-revelations object lesson we call, 'waiting for the other shoe to drop.'

"for this year's convention, our denominational leadership has gone to great lengths to expose any hidden agendas."

"we're doing what we can to rid the seminaries of the left-wingtip liberals."

"what? no, no, no - the guest speaker is reverend schuller, not dr. scholl...".

"i hear ian over there can play the flute at the same time."

"this is the part where they have to do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves about."

"well, to make sure only the elect get in, st. peter came up with this bright idea of merging the SBC with the FAA."

"this isn't going to be one of those wild, pentecostal heeling services, is it?..."

mike rucker
fairburn, georgia, usa
church at chapel hill
douglasville, ga

"Search Me, O God" (Psalms 139)

Sonny
Westminster Presbyterian Church
Valdosta, Ga.

They say the church has lost its soul, so now the search is on.

This infra/supra debate has gotten
completely out of hand.

Christ Presbyterian Church
Tulsa, OK

They take their stance on "King James Only" pretty seriously.

When you remove YOUR shoes, the word "pew" will take on a whole new meaning.

"It's like the pastor said: 'No shoes, no service.'"

"I know that last elders meeting was tough but isn't the pastor taking it too personal?"
or
"When the roll is called up yonder...please remove all..."
or
"Must be time for the annual church business meeting."

Stephen Adams
Destiny Church
St Louis, MO

The new policy on footwashing caused quite a stink.

I think the building committee chair misunderstood the sermon about Eternal Security.

If the ground is THIS holy, I'm a little concerned about my sanctification.

Remove your shoes... you are about to enter HOLY ground.

The real reason it took the Israelites 40 years to enter the Promised Land.

"This new Electo-Meter really weeds them out!"

Allen Mickle
St. George, ON
Canada

Oh my! Obama really came back after he was elected

Geez,

I thought 'change' never left the church

And I thought perfect love drove out all fear...

or:

See?!? I told you to stop wearing those old socks!

or:

Your "I'm gonna wear my 'holy' socks to church" joke isn't so funny now, is it?!?!!

and finally:

And yet, somehow, I don't feel any safer....

Did Pastor Bob say he was preaching on Eternal Security or Internal Security?

My churches vigilant attempt to keep a watchful eye over the soles of our congregation.