"a church built upon the gospel of marriage and family rather than the gospel of Christ"

Very astute observation. As a 26-year-old single Christian, I find that most small groups and events for young adults at churches I've been to are either A)directed toward young married couples and young parents--with topics and activities involving marriage and child-rearing or B) designed as mixers to get us singles hooked up. I'd like to see the church start viewing young single members the way Paul did--as powerful assets for outreach and service--instead of relegating us to the kids' table.

"Addressing the real causes of immaturity and selfishness in our culture requires more than pushing young people down the aisle and into maternity wards. It means prophetically speaking about the consumer values that have formed us to think that the satisfaction of personal desire and immediate gratification are of paramount importance."

Couldn't have put it better.

Our church is the same with the demographics of small groups. They're all based on "life stage", rather than spiritual stage.

They've got your "Singles" group, "Couples with no kids" group, "Couples with kids under 2", "Couples with kids from 3-8", "Couples with kids 8-17", etc.

I agree with Skye...address the disease not the symptom. But I disagree with your out of context usage of 1 Cor. 7...Corinth was in a unique period of persecution. T

The fact is that marriage is the normative state for most people, especially for any young people who have strong sexual urges. The problem in many churches is that the singles, afraid of marriage, still express themselves sexually. My observations is that a part of the disease is fear of marriage, children, and the responsibility and sacrifice that accompany them. Marriage is not the solution...agreed. But for many young men, it is the right and helpful step of faith to work towards it. Marriage is a tool for those who are growing and burn.

Some are called to singleness...they should be honored and supported. And they should NOT NOT NOT be quarantined in special small groups designed to make them married. I rebel against niche small groups for so many, I think, obvious reasons. In the end, marriage is not the salvation of our churches or culture, but how honored marriage is (Hebrews) and how righteous and chaste singles remain are some solid metrics for measuring the health of a community.

It strikes me that we need to be careful.

There's more to delayed marriage than a blanket charge of immaturity and selfishness.

I've worked as a pastor with young adults for a while. There's a lot of reasons why some don't move toward marriage.

This does strike me as kind of funny though.
Evangelicals don't need to learn how to honor marriage. They need to learn how not to valorize or idolize it as an expression of their other "culture war" issues.

Nathan,

Your point is correct. There is far more to delayed marriage than "a blanket charge of immaturity." That is why I was careful, at least twice in my post, to note that this does not apply to all singles...especially given the many single adults who would prefer to marry.

Thanks for bring the point up again.

Skye

A great rebuttal. I see the two groups most available for Christian mission to be the 20-somethings (without spouse or children)--with their passion and energy and freedom to go anywhere, and the 55+ boomers (retired and empty nesters) with their means, maturity, and wisdom, and desire to give back. Get these two groups together by whatever means you can and you will build the church.

As I began reading this post, comments I wanted to make immediately began formulating in my mind. But by the end, you had said everything I was going to say. Excellent article.

Barb mentioned the "other" demographic that struggles to find a meaningful place in many churches - the 55+ boomers. Some would charge (and I would affirm) that we boomers are the ones that fed the family-first, age-segregated consumerist culture in so many congregations. When younger people do not have the proper cultural currency to buy what we in the church are selling, then maybe we're in the wrong business.

Great post, Skye.

Uh...hmmm...

First off, I see a lot of assumptions that are not addressed and thusly begs the question of specifics.

1: Are we limiting the discussion to just those who profess Y'shua as lord, or are we talking about all Americans?

2: Are we including in the term of Marriage, those single people who are living together out of wedlock, and if so, where are those numbers?

3: Are we discussing church attendance as a whole by the American culture, or only those who profess Y'shua as lord?

These are the first three questions that come to mind, but I'm sure there are more as I reread this article.

I think, Skye, in all seriousness, you need to nail down the first three to put perspective on this discussion else we are all going to assume various antedotes that may have nothing to do with the source problem.

Addressing the real causes of immaturity and selfishness in our culture requires more than pushing young people down the aisle and into maternity wards. It means prophetically speaking about the consumer values that have formed us to think that the satisfaction of personal desire and immediate gratification are of paramount importance. Good insight into the what needs to be done. Working with the 20-something group at our church, I would say it is much easier said than done. Of course, the consumerism you speak of has made many people not only immature but also jaded. We have chosen to make the group open and inclusive, allowing anyone from any church to come to the Bible studies and other events. We ahve incorporated videos and teaching and small group discussion as well as fun activities. We do not try to make it a "dating" place and yet remain open to the couples that naturally occur. And still, when some of the more difficult topics are broached, there is a very real resistance to any type of correction or teaching that may be deemed as insensitive to their needs. I love working with this age group because they challenge my beliefs every time we meet. I guess the point is that you have raised a valid point without providing any way of doing what you recommend.
We have learned that forming a strong relationship opens up more doors for communication. Of course, this takes time and many in my generation do not understand the need to form relationships to be able to speak truth to this generation. Boomers tend to look for the quick fix and when things get a little difficult, many run or blame the other person. It seems that the blame game is what Mohler and Wilcox are doing-we have an issue in our church, it is not easy to solve, therefore it must be someone else's issue.

Phil,
I'm in the 20-something category that we're mainly talking about. And I think that you're dead on right when you say that there are no quick fixes. But I think some of the cultural issues have led to the need for some standard pastoral practices that I haven't seen a lot of.

1) More that a prophetic voice bemoaning the culture, we youngins need a prophetic voice calling out our hearts and choices. We need to be held accountable. Problems exist in every culture. Regardless, the first issue always is that we clinge to what is evil and selfish. It's not merely our culture's problem. I think a LOT of pastors choke at this point because it will cause them trouble. But the start of the gospel is a recognition of need. Why else would the news be good if we weren't screwed without it?

2) Beautifully paint the practical picture of God's way to them. Most of us have been in some way taught that marriage is like stepping into the coffin and children are the final nail in that coffin. Most have been taught that careers define us. Many have made money, comfort, and security a christian value and NO one, not even God, has the right to interfere with that pursuit. We need that practical teaching and personal demonstration that we have never had, maybe even from our Christian parents and churches. We need to know how to take the heavy theology of scripture and see that it has answers for today's life in a complex world.

3) We need a mission. The bible seems to tell us that our lives, though joyful and blessed, will be filled with useful suffering. We need to know that we can have a purpose beyond attendance with our church and that our sacrifices and stands against the pleasures of culture have meaning for our world and to God. Not just that obedience is the "best way to live". Not just that obedience gets you good relationships, comfort, and peace.

Summary...we need a push away from culture and self as well as a pull towards Christ. I've seen a WHOLE lot of push away from culture, but that's about it.

Paul,
Thank you for your insights. I have struggled to find a way to show how wonderful service to God can be. So often when I beging to talk about serving others the group seems to glaze over and they "go away". I know from my life that serving others is the key to a profound peace and joy, but it requires sacrifice.
Marriage is another difficult topic because it carries so much baggage. I have been happily married for 27 years and I believe it has brought me a joy I did not know was possible. But teaching singles in there 20's about the joys of marriage without sounding like another older person trying to convince them that they need to get married is difficult.
I sound like a whiner. I do not mean to. I love teaching this age grooup, but it does have its challenges. Your last point on needing a pull toward Christ is well-spoken and I think is the key.

"The goal of our life should not be to find joy in marriage, but to bring more love and truth into the world. We marry to assist each other in this task. The most selfish and hateful life of all is that of two beings who unite in order to enjoy life. The highest calling is that of the man or woman who has dedicated their life to serving God and doing good, and who unites with another man or woman in order to further that purpose."

- Leo Tolstoy

I keep this quote to remind myself of what really mattes when it comes to marriage. I concur with others comments, that perhaps it would bode well with the church to follow suit with their teaching, and forgo making the church into a social club for married adults with children.

Thank you so much for your post! I'm a 25 year old graduate student, living alone in a town where I have no connections (except for my cohorts) and I'm amazed at how churches just ignore us as a population.

Research has shown that the people living in a period of post-college singleness have some of the LEAST social support (ie friends, family, people you can go to with problems) of any life period. This is often because people of this age and lifestyle (young professionals, bottom of the business totem pole, etc) live very transient lives, so finding a stable long-lasting community of people you connect with is incredibly difficult.

Therefore, this would be the MOST IMPORTANT time for places like churches to have really amazing structured social support for this population. It would be a safe, trusted, ongoing place where this population could go to meet people like them and feel and find a community.

Ironically, this is, as you mentioned, the one population churches seem to completely ignore. I don't know if it's because this population is transient, or because so many of the church leaders don't really live this period and just forget about it (almost all the leaders at the church I go to were married at 22 or 23. They really don't even know how to deal with me, at 25 and single) but I think the reason for low attendance isn't because of secularism in singles or anything, but because churches basically send the impression of "We don't know what to do with you, you don't fit our mold, come back later when you are in a place in life we understand."

I think church attendance of singles would escalate if churches didn't view singles as some sort of anomaly to the "normal way of things" whose only purpose is to make it to the next step of marriage. Singles can live happy, fulfilling lives, waiting patiently for a spouse but also content and whole in the now. But we need social support, we need a place where we can meet and connect with (not in a romantic way) people like us, where we feel we belong and are accepted for our place in life now, not just looked upon as someone who hasn't quite gotten where they need to be yet. The way most churches are set up do not seem to promote this viewpoint.

I also don't think that ANY of the singles I've met, including me, have a "fear of marriage" or anything like that. Some of us aren't married because we haven't found the right one. That doesn't mean we don't want to be married. It's a strange accusatory path to go down to say that anyone who's not married by 23 or so is single because they're "diseased" into thinking that marriage is bad and they should be single. Many people I know have absolutely the RIGHT attitude about being single: wanting to have a godly marriage but also wanting to live in such a way that we fulfill our purposes to God now while we're single as well, instead of putting our lives on hold until marriage. Amazingly, the church kind of punishes us for this, and starts to send what I perceive to be unhealthy messages about how we need to get married and need to focus on that (this may not be totally conscious on the church's part, it's how it is perceived.)

I would love to hear feedback on my opinions, either from the writer or anyone else. It's something I've mulled over for most of the last 2 years, but it's just my own experiences, and I'm sure others have had very different ones.

Hmm, as a single, I am sometimes tempted to skip congregational life because my singleness seems to be "public property".

People feel the need to ask if I am dating and then tell me that they are praying I met someone. Others have asked me if I want to be set up with men either 20 years younger or 40 years older (there aren't many single men in this congregation).

There are better ways to affirm my value and show that I am lovable as I am.

MAP: You freaked me out for a moment there. I felt like you eerily read my mind...and I started feeling like I had fallen into some kind of alternative universe "DID I write that?".

Thanks your candid and open honesty. You are not alone in your thoughts whatsoever.

I am a 50 year old , single , never married woman with no kids.........whew! I consider myself very fortunate to be a part of a church that values and honors it's singles no matter the age or stage in life . We are a vital part of the congregation active in all aspects of ministry ; with a voice that is heard and appreciated.

I just finished reading this article and as a single 28-yr old woman, it was refreshing. But I have a slight twist to it. Maybe the decline in single members attending church has something to do with the single members and not the church. No, my church may not be "supportive" of my singleness, but I'm not going there just for fellowship. I'm going there to be with my 1st love: GOD. I've been reading I Cor. 7 for years and Paul states that as a married person, you look to please your husband (or wife). As a single person you look to please God. Well, when you are trying to please God, you can really get over the comments and the lack of inclusion (oh by the way for the rest of you singles, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."-Eleanor Roosevelt). Besides, married people are your brothers and sisters in christ, and they need you as much as singles need them. But what I am finding is this: while waiting on the Christian Man that God has for me, I'm able to grow and mature so that I can be the Sarah to his Abraham. That's what it is all about. Whatever it is that you are going to be: a Holy Single Christian or a Holy Married Christian. It's about being the best Christian you can and getting to Heaven to be with the Father. Because he could care less about whether you have a platinum ring with a square cut diamond with 2 baguettes on either side. It's all about GOD and that's where everyone's focus should be. Be Blessed Y'all.

I am a single pastor in the Alliance (that is, a pastor who is single, NOT a singles' pastor), and frankly, that makes me a very odd duck! But it may have given me a rather unique perspective on the issue.

I've discovered that many of our churches have been focused on building up marriages and families for so long that they simply don't know HOW to minister to single adults any more. So when singles show up in their churches, they are often treated awkwardly, simply out of a lack of understanding and empathy. This can make those singles feel like intruders, and they interpret that as meaning that they are not welcome or valued in the church.

This is often exacerbated by the tendency for these congregations to be uncomfortable with the idea of single adults in leadership roles in the church (apart from teaching Sunday school and leading singles' ministries, of course), as they are afraid those leaders won't be able to relate to them or understand their own issues. Singles in such churches sometimes feel like they have to get married before they will be permitted to fully participate in the life of the church, which adds to their sense of alienation. They feel like they won't be considered as real "grown-ups" until they settle down with a life partner.

The way we tend to segregate ourselves socially in the American church by life stage and situation (as noted in several posts above) doesn't help, either. This prevents singles and married people from developing meaningful friendships with one another, which is (in my opinion) the best antidote to the problems noted above. Ironically, my observation is that most Christian singles deeply desire such relationships; we read that "God sets the lonely in families" (Ps 68:6) with longing. Younger singles also seem to crave mentors from the ranks of the married to guide them through the rough patches of life that the older believers have already encountered. This presents the church with an opportunity. Singles inside and outside the church share a deep desire to be included in a real community. I believe that churches whose married members step up to the relational plate and open their homes and lives to the singles in their midst will find that their congregations will gradually grow to more closely resemble the demographics of the populations they live among.

I agree with this article. Hooray for everything you said. If marriage is so important, why was Jesus single? I'm 44, never-married; sometimes I hate it, other times I love it. The fact is that singles are a huge segment of the population, and it's growing. And the church is not reaching them! Many activities are outdated: sewing circles with the moms, oh boy!

Mohler and Wilcox see biological reproduction as the only kind. Some church friends and I are trying to get our singles' group off the ground, so maybe we can do some spiritual "reproduction."

Thanks for presenting this POV, Skye.

A quick addition to my previous comment: I try not to complain too often about what the church doesn't do for me. I am upset that some singles (divorced, never-married, widows/widowers) see nothing in the church & some churches can't see the value of singles. I think that my single friends and other singles are the resources; we know the path best that we walk ourselves.

Skye

This is an awesome article! Every pastor needs to listen to what you're saying.

The church should not be based on the gospel of marriage, but the gospel of Christ lived out in individual followers at all stages of life.

We're all going to stand before the judgment seat some day... without a spouse.

ps. I sure wish you lived close enough to me so I could attend your church. God Bless you and your ministry.

There is so much I agree with in the comments/article. Even churches that have things for singles, after about age 20/early 30's, you've got no "place" or relationships. My church said the most recent ladies study was for everyone, but 1/3 of the material was on loving your husband and kids. I was the one who spoke up about it. They changed that part of the course, but only because I complained. If I didn't go to church for Christ, I wouldn't go at all. I do have a few friends there, but it would be better to base things on spiritual life than demographics.

Victoria Rachel, I feel your pain!!!

I'm currently attending a church where ALL of the focus is on 2 demographics: the youth & the married. End of story. It's so sad, because the teaching I receive from the church is dynamic, but at the same time, the nonchalant/callous attitude towards the single membership is pitiful.

I'm so glad I found this post. I enjoyed reading the comments & knowing that I'm not alone!

Two things,one I have relatives that are parents and have what is considered a "family" and yet they are still immature and the children are the ones suffering. Secondly, as a single that just celebrated her 34th birthday, being single is not by choice but by God's plan. The frustration I have had over the past few years is the lack of concern for the singles. My church is part of a larger denomination and I have yet to see singles receive their due recognition and encouragement. I know I have experienced being totally disrespected as a grown woman with opinions inside the church. For some reason I am not considered an adult because I'm not a wife nor a mother. I own two businesses, excel in academics, teach college level adults, and yet in the church I have to constantly prove that I am indeed "grown".

I found this article encouraging.At least I know I'm not alone. Thanks for the article.

Great thoughts and well articulated. Love reading the combined wisdom of God's people. I've known a church who had serious doubts about singles in leadership, slightly less doubts about married couples without kids and complete respect for married couples with kids! The church I'm at is very happy with the contribution of singles, while often trying to get you married off - I wouldn't mind their help if they showed more discernment!!

I agree that while some single people may have become more self-obsessed, there are very few single friends who won't commit to marriage. I'm extremely committed at everything I do as I see it as all honouring God. I love the idea of a church or Godly relationships as being the bottom 2 'points' of a triangle, with God as the 'point' at the top. The closer we grow together, the closer we grow towards God. That's what we all want as God's church, it's the practical outworking in our churches that is the problem.

What I'd advise people to do is talk honestly with your leadership teams and explain to them. I don't think they quite know what to do with 'us' and we are often see as slight 'misfits' but it is hard for them to understand if they are in a marriage as they don't see 'our' perspective well always. But 90% of leadership teams are open, especially where you can help them and even come up with creative solutions to implement something practical, with their support. Alongside this, let's give ourselves fully to God's work and be an example in speech, life, love, faith and purity - 1 Tim 4. :)

MAP
I'm also a 26 year old grad student and was recently in the situation you speak of. And singles can be whole, godly, and contented in the now. And shouldn't be ostracized for where they are. Further, as the church should be about God's work and not about marriage, we should ask the question in the church "what is our mission and who is God providing to accomplish that mission?" If it is godly singles, go with it. And where love blooms, encourage mature marriages.

Concerning my previous comment where I believe many singles see marriage as a disease...I think it'd be helpful to discuss WHERE we live. Because in my VERY liberal, urban context, marriage is not honored...careers and ambitions are. And part of that is experiential...they've been the victims of a divorced family, so they believe that route is fruitless. Or they think there is a "right one" that will make life just shine, but that is ignorant. Some are just not ready for the right reasons...my church is almost ALL singles, and many are doing the right thing, being newer Christians with a dark past, in waiting for a time to heal and grow before pursuing relationships.
But in the meantime, many still burn for sexual relationships...so they SHOULD start working towards marriage. And that is little different than working toward godly singleness: dig deeply into the Word, get finances together, learn to be self-controlled, live sacrificially, help be the builders of community.

As far as community structures...dude, I don't know if the singles have the market cornered on loneliness in the church. As a married couple, my wife and I work EXTRA hard to invite people over and get to know them, but there is often little reciprocation. And, having talked to some godly older singles, it is a thing of finesse to integrate singles with married socially without awkwardness or seeming to have pushy intentions.

What IS different is that a good marriage is ready-made community so you don't feel the pains of loneliness quite has sharply. But that doesn't mean church does a better job with connecting marrieds. In fact, because the strains on our time and energy get stronger as we get married and have kids, I'd say that marrieds often have the worst community.

Also, address the issue of trust and respect in the church, there are some practical issues. Though not really that reliable, solid marriage, especially one's with children, act somewhat instinctively like a resume that says "I don't have majorly hidden areas of life and can make responsible decisions." If a guy's wife just shines and his children are obedient and affectionate...it tells you something. Singles can be open and responsible (as seen by, ya know, Jesus and the Apostle Paul), just as marriage is no sure proof of godliness...but singles just have to work extra hard to demonstrate where they are. That's not great, but it's just how it works.

Lastly, let me just point out the bad theology that says marriage isn't that important because Jesus wasn't married and we won't be married in heaven. Ridiculous. The church is Jesus' bride, so marriage is important since our marriages are to be incarnate examples of that holy relationship. And notice that those without spouses in the bible were usually among the first to die a martyrs death. God's grace, not God's denigration of marriage.

Response to the comment from Rob re: "life stages" (see below)
What about the groups for single parents with kids? or man/woman with kids married to a non-believer? young teens who are mature believers? or grandparents who have custody of their grandchildren?
So many needs...so many categories!
original comment:
"Our church is the same with the demographics of small groups. They're all based on "life stage", rather than spiritual stage.

They've got your "Singles" group, "Couples with no kids" group, "Couples with kids under 2", "Couples with kids from 3-8", "Couples with kids 8-17", etc."

This was a very well-written and well though out article. Another danger I've seen from this current church culture is people(not all of them reputable) using the church as a place to find a respectable mate once they feel they're ready to "settle down."

I agree with so much in this article and many of the post. The following thought is all I would add. Sometimes singles who are willing to serve are asked to do more than they have time to do. When you say no people look at you strange. I know they are thinking you are single and childless you must have an abundance of time for serving God. People expecting me to sign up and work every activity is one reason I changed churches. I wonder if other singles have experienced this.

Skye,

Thank you so much for this article. It is clear that you have spent a great deal of time thinking about and processing these issues.

I loved reading everyone's comments as well! It's refreshing to know that as a 26-year-old single woman, I am most definitely not alone, in my single state but also in my views on today's Church.

I wholeheartedly agree that marriage has become the "normal" state in our churches but I think it's always sort of been that way. Anyone outside of that group is an "outlier." Even if you've been married before and are now divorced or widowed, you've still "been through it," and so are more respected by the church because you understand what marriage is like.

I think the biggest mistake our churches make is assuming that singles have no idea whatsoever about what marriage is like. It's easy to assume, since you can't know what something is like until you've been there. But they forget that children are like sponges--and have seen their parents--for better or for worse, in nuclear and non-nuclear settings--live out their perception of marriage or non-marriage, for years. And so the children learn their own impressions of marriage based on what they grew up with, for better or for worse.

I agree that marriage can bring a certain amount of maturity and wisdom, but it is not the only thing that can. I'd love to sit down and have a long chat with anyone who says singles don't know anything about sacrifice--I have to sacrifice my desire to be married every day at the foot of the cross, just to serve God authentically. Married people sacrifice a lot for their kids--but single people sacrifice their selfish desires as well, for the good of God and those in their sphere of influence.

Marriage brings maturity? Sure. But talk to anyone who has walked the bumpy road of faith and been molded by God because of it, and it becomes clear that marriage is only one way God can mold someone. Married people are, in effect, choosing to learn their life lessons through the marriage relationship. Singles wrestle with God instead of a life partner, but we all learn the same lessons in different ways.

These similarities are what I wish the church would understand. If our church leaders would widen their definitions on what brings "maturity" and "responsibility," we'd all be better off.

Thanks for reading my comments. I know it's a lot, but until today I didn't realize how much I had stored up regarding this issue.

I am a 43 year old single female. I have never married, but not by my choice, but by God's plan for me thus far. Maybe some of my frustration with the church is my personal hangup, but I think church doesn't do much to alleviate the cause for my frustration. The church's lack of ministry and respect for single adults, who find themselves still single later in life than just in their 20's, is disheartening. Not only do I have to overcome my personal feelings of feeling left out and alone among a sea of couples and families each Sunday, but it seems every sermon message is either focused on, or filled only with examples of, life as a spouse or parent or both. And nearly all social functions in church are geared toward families. I just get plain old tired of feeling like the only one not married or not a parent. And it seems like no one ever stops to consider or discuss things from a single mature adult (not just one fresh out of college)point of view.

"From reading Mohler's numerous posts about singleness and delayed marriage, he appears to be saying that if immature, selfish, and lazy young adults (and many of us are) would just get married and have kids they’d be forced to “grow up.”"

What makes you think that if young vigorous adults are denied the opportunity to marry (which is what happens when young marriage is no longer normative) that they wouldn't act out or create distractions and diversions for themselves in some way, ie. sexually, recreationally, etc.? Just because there are a few stellar examples of those leading contented "godly" lives under such conditions doesn't mean that the rest are managing.

"Unfortunately, my experience has proven the opposite. I’ve seen too many young families torn apart (both Christian and non) because a husband or wife proved to lack the maturity required for a stable marriage."

This is the exception. So we must discourage time-tested early marriage, sacrificing the greater good because a minority can't hack it?

"Simply walking the aisle, saying the vows, and sharing a bed and bank account did not magically bring maturity."

Perhaps not for some individuals, but for the masses, it has been proven statistically that societies that delay marriage will have higher rates of crime, illicit sexual activity and whole host of other ills. Marriage is an essential civilizing force for all societies. Btw- youth, especially men, in all culture experience some pressure to marry from their elders. Why should we be any different?

"If marriage really is the prescribed avenue for maturity, as some have been promoting, then shouldn't the church be advocating more teen marriages?"

Frederica Mathewes-Green, an orthodox commentator believes so, and rightly dismisses the post-modern notion that young people aren't responsible enough for marriage. As she aptly puts it, "It's not that young people are inherently incapable of responsibility — history disproves that — but that we no longer expect it."

"The problem is confusing a symptom for a cause. Delaying marriage (for some) is a symptom of a culture that has made us immature and self-absorbed."

No, not really, because the chicken-egg thing always works both ways. I wonder if the objection to this fact is that we don't want to offend those well-functioning individuals who are often the movers and shakers in our congregations. There's this fear that the "winners" will feel pressured to marry those who are not.

"In my opinion encouraging immature young adults to marry does not honor the sanctity of marriage, but erodes it."

This is overspiritualizing marriage, which God created, in part, to fill practical human needs. When believers of the past came of age, they simply got a pushcart, a spouse and a hovel to live in, without the big quest for "Choosing God's Best" that you see in the church today.

"Addressing the real causes of immaturity and selfishness in our culture requires more than pushing young people down the aisle and into maternity wards. It means prophetically speaking about..."

Enough speaking. There's a limit to how much teaching from the pulpit shapes human behavior. We need to remove the disincentives to marriage and allow people to do what comes naturally. We can start by getting rid of the notion that for the ordinary person, singleness is a "gift" equal to that of marriage -- an idea that previous generations of Christians would have laughted at.

"Mohler and Wilcox suggest that the church should be advocating traditional, and early, marriage as a way of boosting church attendance...Didn't the Apostle Paul proclaim the blessings of singleness and command believers to remain in the condition in which Christ first called them, whether single, married, circumcised, uncircumcised, or a slave? (See 1 Cor 7.)...I'm not ready to prescribe it as essential to the American church's mission."

The birthrates in the church at this time are at an unprecedented low, so perhaps it's time we started looking at family making as indeed, missional. You must understand that an entire generation of single churchgoers have been oversold on the "gift of singleness" (Paul D was right that 1 Cor 7 was written during a period of unique persecution). Many have had their needs for marriage dismissed as idolatry, and told to just focus on serving God. So when I hear you say that marriage is non-essential, it just sounds like more dismissiveness: burdening young single adults with missional responsibilities whilst negating their humanly needs for companionship and sex.

This is not a matter of denouncing the mission field for not meeting our ideals, this is a about waking up to the fact that the church itself has contributed to the problem through its indifference towards marriage, by falsely teaching that it shouldn't matter you if you marry or if you don't since all that matters is that you're saved and that you save others. God not only cares for our salvation, but for the quality of the lives of his children, which for the masses, is made better over a lifetime by marriage and worse by singleness.

A long time ago, I was told, “The army of God is the only army that shoots its own wounded”. This is another case of that syndrome. There’s an attitude in the church that says “when you get married, then you’ll “really” be a part of the church”. The church is centered around the “normal” family and for years, single adults have been treated like second class citizens. They get often shunted off to the singles’ groups and used only as baby sitters and Sunday school teachers. We now live in a world where single people are accepted for who they are and what they do and say whereas, in the church, they’re just singles. It’s no wonder godly, smart, dedicated, single adults are leaving the church in droves.

Now, suddenly they are accused of being the decline of the modern church. The premise that says “we need to fix them (apparently by getting them married) to fix the church” is offensive on many levels and typifies the “us and them” attitudes that single adults are leaving behind when they leave the church. It’s a lot easier to shoot the victims than to confront the real issues with the church.

Just to clarify my long post, I didn't mean to give the message that we should be slamming singles over the head with the idea that all singles "must get married", especially in light of the fact that there are individual differences at play. Singleness is neither a gift nor a sin, per se, and what we need is a more reasoned centre that respects the challenges singles face today, without pitying or patronizing them with false flattery that calls them "gifted".

Historically, singletons have always been the minority in any social setting, and church is no exception. Yet, despite the fact that there's an unprecedented number of singles in our churches today, people still feel excluded and stigmatized. Indeed, this can be improved by challenging the generalizations that don't necessarily apply to the individual.

But we cannot completely ameliorate the feelings of exclusion that go along with being outnumbered by those in a completely different life situation. There will always be a special status attached to having reached the milestones of marriage and family life. This is the case across all cultures and there's little that can be done about that.

As much as well intentioned leaders like to talk up the Pauline advantages of singleness, there are definitely losses over time for those who do not marry. We cannot just put a smiley face on the singleness of those who are grieving those losses and tell them just to shut up and be content. Perhaps the "best to remain as you are" message is one of the reasons why so many in the church are not finding their way to marriage.

Church leaders cannot go from one extreme (calling singleness a gift) to another (calling singleness as sin) without owning up to the obstacles to marriage that have been placed in the path of so many singles today. Young singles who are fed up with hearing the pro-marriage message today need to realize that they might tomorrow wish their opposite sex peers could hear that same sermon. Life is short, lest our creature comforts convince us otherwise.

There is basic problem both with this article and the church’s approach to singles. Everyone tries to lump singles into a nice neat one-size-fits-all category. The fact is that singles are really just a reflection of the church inside the church. There are singles at all the same ages and stages as everyone else except they are alone.

There are so many dynamics involved that there’s no way you can put out some blanket solution. Many of the younger singles in the church today are themselves products of broken and dysfunctional homes. It’s nice and easy to just say that they’re just selfish and immature but there are so many other factors involved that I believe it’s outright sin (Romans 14:4) to just pass some blanket judgment over them.

They try to say that singles are selfish and immature. Tell that to the young widow who’s family was ripped away from her. Tell that to the divorcee who’s escaping an abusive marriage. Tell that to the single men and women who’s hearts break a little every time they get another wedding or baby shower. The reasons people are single later is as varied as the leaves. They come to the church to find help and hope and get branded as single or selfish and made to feel second class.

The problems with keeping singles in the church are the same problems with the rest of the body. The only difference is that single adults in the church are more mobile and don’t have the same connections. They can switch churches, go to multiple churches, or even leave without making a ripple. Instead of being the problem, they are the barometer of how well the church is reaching people. If you have to play games like trying to use marriage to keep people in the pews, you have much bigger problems than singles leaving. You are going to end up with what a lot of churches have now, people who come to church for some other motive that to worship the king. They do their time and wait for their kids to get out of Sunday school. That’s why the 80/20 rule (where 20% of the people do 80% of the work) is so prevalent. The church needs to reach people’s hearts one at a time like they come into the kingdom, not out of some duty to family or because of their marital status.

"The problems with keeping singles in the church are the same problems with the rest of the body. The only difference is that single adults in the church are more mobile and don’t have the same connections. They can switch churches, go to multiple churches, or even leave without making a ripple. Instead of being the problem, they are the barometer of how well the church is reaching people."

Mobility plus lack of connections allow for singles to switch churches even when there is no problem, ie. other activities they'd rather do on a Sunday morning. So I don't think it's fair to pin the shortage of singles in the pews entirely on "how well the church is doing". People are "drawn away" as much as they are "pushed away" (perhaps even more).

"If you have to play games like trying to use marriage to keep people in the pews, you have much bigger problems than singles leaving."

This isn't about "using marriage" to keep people in the pews. If married people are less mobile and more connected because of their investment in the church communities that nurture their children and their marriages, then you're going to find that they stick around more than those who are more mobile and less invested in connections there.

"The church needs to reach people’s hearts one at a time like they come into the kingdom, not out of some duty to family or because of their marital status."

This is a pretty tall order. When have churches not depended on the highly invested and stable commitments of the families that attend? I'm not saying that there aren't some very committed and godly singles out there. But even in highly missional, emerging churches where the population is young, single and passionate about God, over a long period of time you will find it's largely the families that make up the lasting church body. It's the connectedness of the body as much as individual worship that makes a thriving church.