I agree with the theory, but what about those cases you mentioned at the beginning of your article: when a spouse is abusive (emotionally or physically)? Are you saying someone should stay in that kind of marriage? How rough can the rough patches get before it is okay to leave?
I've been married 18 years, and we've had some really rough patches. I'm glad I've stayed, but I am also glad I sought wise counsel. We need to do more than just "hang in there" and put up with difficulty, we need to be proactive about working to improve the relationship.

Scot, this is beautiful. It calls us to a much larger vision of life and Story beyond ourselves. Blessings.

Most of us are well aware of the caveats, the "what about this situation?" questions, the debate, the search for loopholes in most of our contemporary discussions about marriage. Abuse, adultery and addiction can be legitimate deal-breakers for a marriage.

But when those issues aren't at play (and even in some cases when they have been), a long-lasting marriage is one of God's most potent change agents not only for the couple, but for their families and friends. Our society often celebrates those who hit the eject button when a couple hits a rough patch of relational road. Sticking with marriage for the duration is a counter-cultural act.

I am the grateful recipient of a model of long-time committed marriage on the part of my parents. That model definitely helped me understand a bit of what a marriage vocation might require from me when it came my turn to become a bride nearly thirty years ago. Something greater than the sum of the parts gets built over a lifetime together.

This is an outstanding post! One of Scot's best. I appreciate your words and the wisdom in those words.

Good post. It's probably even more necessary than ever to talk about the blessings of marriage and staying married when we're living in the midst of reality shows that feel the need to show everything about people's lives, including divorce as it happens (read Jon and Kate). It's time that marriage be lifted up rather than ignored.

Great job, Scott. I think most preachers are afraid of dinging those in the church who have been divorced. Having said that--it's not much of a reason for not lifting up God's vision of what marriage should be. Thank you for the Metzger quote too. I can just picture that scene in my head :)

sad commentary on the times. a joke going around here is...
"did you know that 50% of marriages last forever!!"

And the point about the VW and the Cadillac is ...?

I'm afraid you lost me on that one.

Thank you Scott for a beautiful post. A great addendum to that might be for more pastors and theology professors to preach and teach the value of sexual purity in thought and action before marriage, and the seeking of God's choice of a mate.

Keri,

I hear your heart in what you ask. The best I can say is you must proceed prayefully, and under the council of a pastor and preferably under the council of the elders of the church as well. "In a multitude of counselors there is victory" goes the Proverb.

Submit to the Leadership, do your best to mutually submit to each other as husband and wife. If it truly is irreconcilable the leadership will lead you through a biblical separation/divorce.

Glad you stuck yours out though.

Thanks for great article. I also didn't catch the cadillac/VW story. Is there a typo?

There is more abuse going on then we realise. Some definitely need to get out of their marriages because the situation is so dangerous.

Bruce Wilkinson likes/liked to quote Eph 5:24 "wives must submit their husbands in everything" saying it means everything. But it doesn't. Not only must she get out of a marriage if she is being abused but what if if the husband has aids? Just submit? Sadly this is one reason why so many people see Christianity as irrelevant and out of touch with the real world.

This is more complicated than most of us realise.

Here’s an intimate and soul-stirring insight that shores up the good idea of staying married sans extra-marital affairs.

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

“When [the two] part after the act, a little piece of the man stays with the woman and a little piece of the woman with the man. Now in marriage, this is of course alright. But in the case of a one night stand, it is ultimately disastrous. Each partner is stuck for life with a bit of person whom he doesn’t want but can’t get rid of. Eventually, after a hundred or two one night stands he is missing a lot of him that he needs and dragging around a lot of fragments of people he would dearly love to get rid of.” - Julia Duin, “Purity Makes the Heart Grow Stronger”

Excellent article and a cogent expression of the ideal of committed marraige and its rewards.

But encouragement and solid definitiosn of good and lasting marraiges aren't enough. Churches will need to give practical support to those in marraiges that are less than ideal. This requires a whole package of spiritual and other tools and capacities, including counseling, spiritual guidance, mature mentors, examples of deep love and humility, preaching and examples of mutual submission, accountability and mentoring for both men and women, etc. In short, it requires a healthy and functioning community of believers.

I say this as one who knows Christian friends who are in abusive marraiges and are getting little or no no real help or support from their local church.

As we quote Eph. 5, let's continue:
"Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her"--"Let each man love his wife as he loves his own body."

From this, it's clear:
1. Ladies, just as you wouldn't expect Jesus to abuse you so also you should expect no abuse from your husband.
2. Men, unless you go around flagellating yourself with a cat o' nine tails, you are commanded to treat your wife like you wish to be treated.

If can extend the analogy to story a bit further:

Being married isn't just a status but a journey. I can no more stay married without regularly (daily!) engaging my spouse in relationship than I can read a story without turning a page. I know couples who seem to be hanging on, staying married but in a relationship that is all but dead. This is not really what marriage is, any more than leaving a book open is really what reading a story is.

But I agree with John that we need more than the right message; we need the right kind of community where marital problems aren't a stigma but an opportunity for loving each other.

I appreciate the encouragment to stay married and this article makes some good points.

But .... how about a different focus like:

"Love and cherish your spouse."

Sure, we need encouragment to stay married but to fuel that I think what we really need is a vision to love our spouse in a growing way. In a sense, what do I really cherish ... my "marriage" or my "spouse"? What do I want to keep? My "marriage" or my "spouse"?

There is a significant difference in focus and approach.

I think I got the Cadillac/VW analogy, from the context:
If all you've ever driven is a VW, that's all you know-i.e., one spouse.

If you "cheat" on that VW and drive a Cadillac, it will be hard to go back to your VW, because you've experienced something else.

Of course, there are a lot of folks driving Caddies who want to upgrade to a BMW, which also applies to Scott's post-so now we have serial marriages.

Some folks discover that the Cadillac they think they moved on to is really a VW chassis with a fake Cadillac body. Akward at best.

I'm a little weirded out by the apparent suggestion that extramarital sex *will* we better (the Caddy), and that the monogamy will remain cheap and uninspiring (the VW). Granted, I've only got three years of experience here, but we are, shall we say, in a constant state of making upgrades to our vehicle... ;) Anyone I meet who's been married 20 years or more (and will talk about sex) contends that we can't even imagine how great the sex will be 15 years from now.

Anyone else finding the car analogy hard to keep from breaking down? (no pun intended)

On a slightly separate note, I believe that before us young 'uns can be convinced to remain married in order to keep a story running, this generation will first need some hard and severe teaching on impulse control. I mean, I can count on one hand the number of 25-35 year-olds I know, in OR out of the church, who DON'T pirate music, tv, or film with the excuse that "I can't afford it right now". My point is, if this generation won't exert enough self-discipline to wait three months (or, if you want discount Xbox games, three years) to buy a luxury item, why should anyone expect that it'll even remotely understand the concept of being married for 50 years?

I get impressed comments from others my age when they find I've been married three whole years, and I get confusion, and often contempt and disdain, when I say that I wait to watch movies instead of stealing them because I want to watch it NOW. That's pretty messed up.

Elly, I think, hit on something important. Integrity and self-discipline. The ability to do the right thing even when nobody is watching. But then Christ is always watching is he not? Mastering integrity and self-discipline can lead to mastering self-sacrifice. With those character traits relationships of all types stand a good chance of becoming sincere and long lasting.