Hmm, thanks for this. As one coming through a time of really feeling discouraged and burnt out I needed the reminder to go to the community of people around me and engage in real fellowship with them. Deep friendships are usually one of the last things on my list of to-do and that's not a good thing.

While the "self-care talk" may have become a cliche, that does not invalidate serious conversation about the need of pastors to pay attention to their own emotional, spiritual, and physical signals.

Self-care should not imply "self-reliance," but rather recognition that as preventive care I as a pastor need to mind my schedule, my commitments, and my relationships -- the one with God included. Only we can do that for ourselves.

Blaming the pastor in need of physical, emotional, or spiritual renewal is not productive or helpful. We have too many instances of self-imposed failure to add to that list failure to care for self.

The answer lies not just in ourselves but in community with others. While community with fellow pastors is welcomed, my own faith community has most often provided the support, encouragement, and prayer I need. My approach is not to circle the wagons with fellow pastors in the same boat, but to allow my own community to care for me, as I care for them.

I had another opportunity to experience that communal care this past summer when my brother died. I found being on the receiving end of care a difficult and humbling experience. I am trying to allow my own faith family inside my emotional and spiritual fence so that they can exercise their care for me in a shared call to "bear one another's burdens."

I am not sure these are exclusive discussions. Sure there are good and bad times to talk about self care. And I agree that ordination is not a good time. But I think that discussing self care with lay people (in a non-exclusive way so that it applies to lay people) is a good thing. I think that it is appropriate to talk about realistic expectations to lay people. I was on a pastoral supervisory board in my last church and I talked repeatedly about the pastors setting boundaries. I also talked about the pastors reporting back to the board properly so people would know that they really were working. I moved and the pastor was fired within 3 months. The pastor wouldn't report what he was doing (although he was working 45-50 hours a week) and the board had expectations of 60-70 hours the previous pastor had worked. Maybe we talk about self care too much, but many pastors aren't listening.

"I would personally like to declare a moratorium on all clergy self-care conversations, in the interests of clergy self-care.

Well, self-care?
Hmm, may I humbly suggest an alternative...self-reflection, as in reviewing ones motivations/thoughts/actions being congruent with the position of pastor.

"I have a theory about why clergy talk about self-care so much, and it has to do with a real need. I suspect that we preach to one another about self-care because we see a lot of sad and unhealthy pastors out there, or we have been there ourselves at one time or another. There is a need for care."

And I have Law which says that there are a lot of people who are pastors who should not be pastors.
The problem extends into the secular, but there the results are different.
In police work it's called the five year wall. An individual hits the five year wall, and suddenly begins developing an "us" vs "them" attitude. Their friends are all cops, they seem unable to fit in socially with non-law enforcement people, and become social outcasts while retaining the "I'm actually one of the in crowd."
Same-same in Pastors.

The way police officers who survive the five year wall is they develope hobbies, cultivate friendships with non-police officers, and are active in something that has nothing to do with police work...like little league sports, or voluteer work in the community or church.
For a pastor, I recommend they get their ordained butt out of the building, and do something that has nothing to do with pastoring.

I find it interesting how much attention is paid to how hard pastors work. I have attended conferences and heard the endless line of clery bemoan the fact that they work too hard, do too much etc. I was a full time pastor for over 20 years and I honestly believe some of this is spurious. SOme of this is whining. I have known few pastors who actually work as hard as the people in their church. Lay people put in enormous amounts of work, then are asked to volunteer on top of that. For a minister everything is work time. including blogging. and coffee with friends. and shopping and driving and phone calls and reading and praying and talking and writing and visiting and planning and napping and thinking and answering emails and surfing the net and going to the bank and reading the paper. many of you have full time jobs that you come home from in order to make it to the church on time for any number of reasons. i usually had a nice nap before the meeting because i would be putting in extra time.

on many levels it is an amazing life. you are your own boss. you can literally blow off weeks, even months, without anyone really knowing. all you need to do is be unavailable, look a little haggard and constantly whine about how busy you are and no one will know. trust me, i've tried it.

pastors love to point out how busy we are. we NEVER say that things are slack. pastors realize that people don't think they work much and there is something ingrained in their psychie that must justify their existence. it is frustrating to have people constantly make fun of you for working "one hour a week".

it is not as though some pastors do not get their hours in. many work chaotic shifts and are barraged by demands and complaints for which there is no obvious solutions. pastors complain that they are always working, which is an exaggeration, but even if that is true - they may be working but not always working hard. and frankly, a ton of pastors i know are just lazy. there is said it. i could give you lots of names.

my name would sometimes be on that list as well.

many pastors would react to reading this words. some are justified. others simply do not know or remember what it is like to have a real job. they live in a bubble of pseudo-activity and flexible scheduling. no one yells at them everyday at work. they don't have to drive 2 hours to get to the job site. they don't have to get up early, or pack a lunch, or listen to complaints all day. they can shut off their phone and not be fired. they don't get disciplined for being 10 minutes late to work. they can deduct their mortgage from their taxible income. they can write off any activity or expense. they are the only one paid to be at a funeral.

this is a very one-sided blog but i have, on many occasions, bemoaned the struggles of the pastor's life. it can be a very difficult vocation. very few people have, however, discussed the other side of the equation - the incredible perks, the lack of tangible accountability, the accolades, the tax breaks.

"incredible perks"? like what? like being able to leave my office in the middle of the day and go visit someone in the hospital or stuck at home? how about how i never get to see my or my wife's extended families on holidays because we're responsible for creating the "normal" spaces/events related to those holidays for everyone else.

we give up "normal" so that our congregations can have "normal".

my phone rings at 3am when a loved one dies. and i'm not there just because i'm family and need to know. My job is to be something else and be ready from the stupor of sleep.
the nature of my work doesn't require that i be chained to a desk to satisfy someone elses perceptions.

once i'm there too long, the same people will whine about how i'm not "visiting" enough or out in the community or not modeling evangelism or whatever...

"lack of tangible accountability"?
have you ever been responsible to a church board? or directly to a congregation-hellish on a good day? you wanna talk about stress and having your bits flapping in the breeze.

"the accolades"?
huh? are we talking about celebrity pastors or the average person? for every sycophant (and they're rarely around) there are a ton more oppositional types that nickel and dime your leadership and vitality. the rest are indifferent.

"the tax breaks"?
that's the tax system we have. and it's an offset for the lack of parity between our education level and our average pay. thank god for it. I couldn't afford a house of any kind otherwise for my family.

are there lazy pastors?
sure.

but there is no fruit in comparing lazy pastors to hard working lay people.

there are simply lazy people out there, regardless of profession.

some, for a host of reasons, work in jobs where they can get away with it...others can't...

sometimes it seems like the complaints above can come across as simply sour grapes.

if you want the tax break..well, you're invited to discern "a call", get the necessary education or none if that's what your denomination requires, and start candidating.

Thank you Scott. I work a full-time job and then run a ministry for my church as a volunteer. We rent a school building, so you know what that means.

Our pastor keeps needing more and more time off. "Family time' because the ministry is so hard on them. I'm counting about 11 Sundays that he either has taken off or plans to take off in the last six months of 09.

He has no office hours.

I'm thinking he should have picked a different profession. Or needs to pick another one now so he will have time to attend to the needs of his family. You know like all the time we lay people use to tend out families. "snicker"

I am feeling kind of bothered by the tone of these comments. While I understand the point the author is trying to make, personally, I think the comment section has really kind of gotten off point. While there are lazy pastors out there, there are also, many pastors who work long hours that do take a toll on their families and personal lives. Shouldn't we desire to see our pastors have successful marriages and family lives? Shouldn't we desire to see them live healthy and balanced lives? Just because to many "lay" people are stretching themselves to thin between work, family, and church, does that mean we should want our pastors to follow that unhealthy pattern or should they stand against it and model for us a life that is more God-centered and healthy?

Maybe where we should turn our attention is to the system of church that we currently have that causes the ministry "burn-out" rate that we have in America and also causes our lay people to be so busy during stuff for the church that their families struggle? I think some discussion on that line of thought would be much more productive than a debate on who works harder or who has a more disfunctional lifestyle.

For me, the core message of the article is in the last paragraph: "We desperately need community as pastors."

For six years I was in a denomination that encouraged pastors to meet monthly in smaller regional clusters, which was fine. Our group would get together, make small talk, complain about our congregations or fellow staff, and hear a talk about becoming more effective & fruitful in ministry, end with sharing prayer requests and be on our way. That was not community for me. It left much of who I was and what I was struggling with untouched. I could not talk with others in my congregation about some of these issues and had little time to foster such community outside of church.

What finally helped me to begin experience community and real caring was seeing a spiritual director where I could be brutally honest about life, work, faith without fearing judgment, without someone offering me old cliches or trying to fix me somehow. That relationship began to help me because I felt safe, affirmed for who I was (not for what I did) and provided a setting that allowed me to hear from God. And, it provided a type of support, encouragement and healthy accountability that I never experienced with my peers (some who seemed more concerned with appearances and success).

This is a great topic and think that some of the comments show the broad spectrum of issuses that exist for the pastor who burns out or is in the process of burning out and the laity who are doing pretty much the same thing.

I was a pastor for 11 years. I can attest to the fact that it was easy to do my own thing and be lazy when I wanted to. Demands were there on my time--seemingly all the time--and I complained about it. Which I realize is pretty stupid, because after all I wanted to be a pastor and being there 24/7 is the job.

I also got to play golf on a regular basis with guys in my church--and write it off as a business expense. My office was the coffee shop. You see the point.

I have now been, "on the other side of the pulpit" for 6 years and it has been a great eye opening experience. I now know what it is like to have a full-time job apart from the church and what it is like to take a Sunday "off" from church without having to ask for a vacation day. I know what it is like to start my day @ 6am: getting the kids to school, going to work; cooking the mid-week dinner at church; then helping with the kid's ministry and finishing with worship practice. I am home at 10pm. (this is not an every week experience, but it happens more times that I like)

It is easy to get over extended and burned out.

I have shared that to write this:

To the pastors: You are by vocation a pastor only. You are a person who is "called" by God to be faithful in the position you find yourself in and nothing more. Your calling to your vocation can change, but your calling to faithfullness will not. If you introduce yourself as, "Pastor so and so," drop the title. I was not named by my parents Pastor Eric Lewis. I was named Eric Lewis. I am called to be faithful no matter what my vocation. Also, your parishioners do not necessarily have it better than you. You will find freedom when you find yourself apart from your title/position.

To lay people I say: Your pastor is just a man/woman and they need to be treated as such. Give them the freedom to be human and allow them the transparency you desparately want for yourself. Don't be shocked by their humanity. Also, titles and vocation mean very little. Be faithful where you are and don't compare schedules. Even if you have it worse than the next person, be faithful and let God lead you.

There is much more to write, but Church could be so much simpler for all of us if we would allow people be people and God be God.

Eric

We desperately need community as pastors. We need deep friendships with others who understand this odd and wondrous calling, and where we can tell one another the truth. We need to remind one another of the God who cares for us all, whether we overeat, make too many appointments or plow through our day off. We need one another’s care, in the company of friends, and over time. Most of all we need Jesus. And none of that can happen in a lecture.

This is the most insightful comment I have seen in a long time. My dh is brand new to ministry, looking for his first full time vocational ministry position. I personally am terrified of being a pastor's wife and have tried to reach out. It doesn't work. I get horror stories. If that is the way the spouses feel the pastors can't be doing much better.

Hmm. I'm not sure I understand the distinction the author is trying to make. If we are to love others as we love ourselves, why wouldn't we take care of others as we take care of ourselves? And if you aren't taking care of yourself, than how are you going to take care of others? I'm all for the community idea. I'm just not sure why that can't be included in "self-care". You have to take care of yourself by prioritizing community in your life. No one will do that for you. I'm all for relying on Jesus. I'm just not sure why that isn't "self-care". Are you really taking care of yourself if you are foolishly believing you can do it all in your own strength? I'm all for spiritual disciplines and personal devotional time. I'm just not sure why that isn't "self-care". We minister out of the overflow of grace that God gives us, right? I can't speak to the context of the author. She may have different experiences of this, and indeed, the implications in her context might simply mean that "self-care" means not working hard. Perhaps she is noticing the implication that self-care is somehow different for pastors as it is for lay people. It certainly should not be. However, there is a way in which failures in self-care for pastors have a way of affecting their churches and communities more dramatically than for other members of the church. But everyone is connected, and so when any member of the church burns out or has a moral failure related to stress/overwork, it affects us all.

Yes, our culture is big on self-indulgence dressed up as self-care, but just as dietary indulgence does not lead to dietary health, self-indulgence does not lead to self-health. So a true "self-care" would of course include a community that can help a person discern when they are taking care of themselves and when they are simply being tempted to indulge themselves.

I am surprised at all the self-centered whining going on here. We are to be examples to the congregation. We have the privilege of serving our Lord by tending to His sheep. Take a look at the people in your church. They work 40-60 hours a week some only one or two week vacation a year. They work nights and weekends, some don’t get sick days so they have to work when they are sick. These are tough times; those who have job are blessed and should have a thankful attitude!! Man up and stop crying the people who shepherd have it worst then you. Life is hard, we will rest in Heaven.

Thanks for this, Lillian. I'm now working on a grant aimed at promoting clergy health, and your post might remind me to avoid saying something pat and perfunctory about self-care. Gestures that are well-intentioned but tone-deaf or insensitive, are sometimes worse than no gesture at all, aren't they.

There's a growing literature about how people manage to change health-related behaviors, and how health professionals can facilitate those changes. I have colleagues who are much more well-versed in this than I, but it's fair to say that nagging, lectures, even sermons are insufficient. Readiness for change takes time, and the means and ends of change need to be relevant for each individual, to fit into her narratives about herself and the world.

We desperately need community as pastors. We need deep friendships with others who understand this odd and wondrous calling, and where we can tell one another the truth. We need to remind one another of the God who cares for us all, whether we overeat, make too many appointments or plow through our day off. We need one another’s care, in the company of friends, and over time. Most of all we need Jesus. And none of that can happen in a lecture.

"Pastoring" is a function, not necessarily an occupation. Why have those who function pastorally been reduced to functionaries? And, why is there a special class of Pastoral Professional Christians?

The best way to have the fellowship which is needed (by all of us) is to go back to being one of the fellas instead of a special paid Fellow. The money really does make the difference.

Especially appreciate what Eric said.