I have, and will. The reason is simple: someone did it for me, and my marriage has been one of the key ways God has shaped my life and ministry and loved me into His Kingdom.

I'll expound a bit: I had plenty of people in my life who argued with me, judged me, and tried to "convert" me, but the ones who really reached me were those who extended grace and took risks, in fact risked themselves and their "good reputations" on me. I now find this obligation toward grace ruling my life and ministry which extends through my pastorate.

When will God bear fruit from that grace? Who knows? But I know that He did through others, who had no better answer than that when they did.

Oh, they are 'living in sin', are they?
So when they want to become married in the church, we should not let or help them?
What sanctimonious nonsense.

Good idea, let's reserve the church and the sacraments for those who are not sinful!

"If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us."
1 John 1:8

I be less uneasy about doing that then marrying people who are divorced. Jesus speaks against that one.

I would. Like Steve W. commented, if they’re “living in sin,” and want to come out of that sin, it makes no sense at all for Christians to refuse to help them. Marrying a cohabiting couple does not endorse cohabitation. The very fact that they’re getting married shows their—and our—rejection of that lifestyle.

Now, if they’re not Christians, that’s a whole other deal. I can’t perform a Christian ceremony for people who won’t take the sacramental parts seriously. That’s the real issue—people who see marriage as simply a legitimate or legal form of cohabitation, instead of a covenant relationship in the eyes of God. If that's how you look at it, I can understand the concern that marriage "legitimizes" cohabitation. It's an inferior view of marriage, though.

First,cohabitation is not a sin. Sex outside of marriage is a sin. If we refuse to marry due to living together, do you also refuse to marry if you discover they have had sex prior to marriage? You better or you are a hypocrite.

The ONLY mandate I adhere to to marry a couple is that profess salvation. So what do I do with a cohabitating couple? I counsel them to live apart if possible and if not I ask them to not sleep in the same room. Realize that once a couple lives together, for financial reasons they may be forced to continue living together. Like it or not, that is a real life scenario to be faced with. Can they lie to me about not having sex? Yes they can, and whether they live together or not, the temptation to have sex is tremendous. I make sure to counsel that they are agreeing to abstain before God, not me.

As for the divorce issue, there is way too much unbiblical teaching on that subject. To see what the bible actually says, not what we think you can check out my blog on it here, http://masculineholiness.blogspot.com/2011/08/what-does-god-really-say-about-divorce.html

I'm having a difficult time trying to come with a biblical reason someone may come up with AGAINST marrying a cohabitating couple? I mean, if I marry them, they are no longer "living in sin." If I don't, they will continue to do so. Am I missing something?

There must be a reason against it, otherwise the question posed would be as much nonsense as asking, "Should pastors help alcoholics stop drinking?".

I have and I do.

On this issue I have wrestled, theologically and pastorally, for years. It is a really hard issue IMHO.

Right now I minister at a large church in a metro-suburban area. One of my responsibilities is to lead the marriage prep ministry. I love it. In the last year we've had about 150 couples go through our course. We spend time in a group and time individually (as they desire.) The stats blow me away but these are reality:

* About 65% of the couples I meet with are living together...and that obviously involves premarital sex.
* About 85% of the couples (including the ones living together) are having pre-marital sex.
* Of the couples we talk with 95% of them are having, or have had premarital sex with someone.

Those are the stats. I'm not lying about them either. If you want a clear example of how the Church has lost the "culture war" there it is. These couples don't even consider an alternative.

That said I believe that when these couples come to us (specifically ones from outside our church) it is graceful moment where we can partner with them for this most sacred act (marriage) and hopefully it will lead to a deeper commitment and even salvation. These couples come to us because, even though they have not been part of a church for years, they still desire a Christ-centered union. This is a priority moment for us to establish a link with them.

I still do weddings for couples living together. This issue has been a struggle for me as I was raised in a ministry culture that said otherwise. Though I was able to wait for marriage to enjoy sex, I know that not everyone has had that privilege. Maybe this is a mark of gracefulness that the Church can show and allow those sitting on the fringes to see (and hear) the Gospel purely.

One of the benefits of this has been that I get to clearly articulate the Gospel to people who might never encounter it during the wedding ceremony. I'm not dogmatic about this, but I am hopeful for the couples we encounter.

I do, and I will. In fact, in my last two weddings, we've combined marriage vows AND child dedication. Yes, the children of these unions participated in the wedding.

And in both cases, the wedding ceremony was clearly a declaration of faith and a new life trajectory. Jesus is at the center of both these new families.

Not to have stepped up to the challenge would have been pastoral malpractice.

Yes and no. Short answers hear are very dangerous. YES - 1)If they are among the college crowd where coed habitation takes place with others in apartments and there is a reasonable level of confidence that there is clear commitment to and accountability to boundaries of sexual purity. 2) If they are adults with circumstances that prohibit moving to separate houses, but have an honest resolve to remain celibate until after the wedding. NO - If they are not willing to commit to pre-marriage counseling and give an honest consideration to celibacy until after the wedding. Using the wedding vows as a tool to evangelism is like using legalism to explain grace, it doesn't work. Bottom line, if you are looking for a good excuse to get God off your back for having sex you are speaking words that will not communicate the gospel. I present to them God's plan for a relationship with him as a couple and ask them to commit to that plan or consider a Justice of the Peace. You can't ask God to join your marriage on your terms when it contradicts His. Don't tell me this doesn't work - I've watched it. It's awesome!

The issue isn't whether there was/is cohabitation. The issue is whether this is a Christian marriage.

If the bride and groom profess faith and declare their intent to live a Jesus-centered life, I can think of no reason to deny them.

If they do neither profess faith nor declare their intent to live for Jesus, then I must deny MY involvement. I don't do civil ceremonies (they are free to do that at the courthouse). I only do Christian weddings.

That's an important distinction that's only going to become even more important in the days ahead as domestic partnerships and other relationships (polygamous ones?) become acceptable in our culture and want to mark the relationship with a wedding ceremony.

The key issue: is this relationship centered on Christ?

Cohabitation...hmm...

1) If I were a pastor, the man and the woman (note use of gender specifics) are followers of G-d, the first thing to be required is that they live apart for a time to see if their relationship is based on sex, or actual love. They certainly could meet covertly, but then, as I would point out in counseling them, dishonesty at the beginning of a marriage, regardless of collusion between the two, will always breed mistrust later in the relationship.
Then I would counsel them on what marriage is, and what it is not.

2) If they are not followers of G-d, the first thing I would ask them is "why do you care if you are married or not?" If they want a churchy wedding to make it look nice and pretty for the photos...I would refer them to a congregation that indulges that mentality.
2a) If they are new converts, or returning to their faith, and wanting to do right before G-d, see point one.

3) I would not marry two people of the same gender regardless of faith, creed, age, belief, or love.

like an earlier commenter stated: cohabitation is not a sin.

the only reason cohabitation is a problem to people is because of 1.) evangelicalism's inescapable impulse to confuse middle class social respectability with genuine Christian identity and 2.) the refusal to understand human sexuality as something other than essentially suspect.

Fornication is definitely a sin, and cohabitation certainly gives the appearance that sin is occuring, and we are not to even give the appearance of sinning. Cohabitation with someone you love would definitely be a temptation that would be hard to constantly fight.

I doubt I would marry someone I had not had sex with. It is too much of an important ingredient to a happy marriage to leave incompatibility to chance. And I have seen too many marriages fail where I suspect one of the key reasons the couple was getting married (too young, in many cases) was to satisfy the urge for sex. Had they had sex, they might have realized that their attraction was not true love at all, but simply lust. My wife and I were not virgins when we got married and I don't expect my daughter to be.

Bowder, so you are saying to "heck" with God and what He says. You know what is better for you and your wife and your daughter. You are placing your opinion above God's Word. That's why Jesus said that at the end, many will say "didn't I call you Lord, and didn't I cast out demons in your name?" and Jesus will deny you. You are denying Him by your actions and you're actually proud of it and saying it is better than what God has said is best for us. The Bible says that believers have the Holy Spirit in them, and you believe that fornicating with the Holy Spirit supposedly in you is better than following what God says. Jesus will deny you just as you are denying Him. Your "wisdom" is foolishness to God. Many don't seem to take seriously the words of Jesus saying that the road is narrow and few find it. You're placing yourself above God's command purposefully, and bragging about it and recommending it for others. I know that many who claim to be Christians, really aren't, and don't care what God says when it comes to sin and following Him. In 1 John chapter 2 it says "By this we know that we have come to know Him, if we keep His commandments. The one who says, “I have come to know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him; but whoever keeps His word, in him the love of God has truly been perfected. By this we know that we are in Him: the one who says he abides in Him ought himself to walk in the same manner as He walked." In post-Christian America people seem to think they can just continue sinning and say "I'm a Christian", yet laugh and brag about their sinning and actually saying they know better than God. You might want to read Revelation if you think God is only love, and you know nothing of His wrath. His wrath is mentioned as often as His love, yet you don't hear "God is wrath", because it's no longer talked about in the churches, it makes people feel too uncomfortable to hear about their sinning. And for those who will talk about judging, please look up the word rebuke in a concordance, it is viewed as a good thing to bring another believer back into the line of God's Word, and John 7:24 says "Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment." It is "righteous judgment" when the Bible is your guide.

I have and will.

I do six sessions of premarital counseling, which includes sharing the gospel and why Jesus will make marriage better. I feel I'm helping people move in the right direction.

I have married a couple that was cohabitating. At the time they were new Christians, they to me and ask if I would marry them. I asked them ‘why do you want to get married?’ Their answer was it is the right thing to do! I could not say no to that. The grace of God was evident in their lives. What is the command of our Savoir? Repent and believe. That is what this couple did. I could not tell them no.

I took them through the Scripture and showed them what a Christian marriage was and what God expected from each of them. They both eagerly with the Scriptures, so they quickly set date, planned the ceremony which I preformed for free. Soon they will be celebrating their 3rd anniversary. The grace of God is in their lives. I do not regret what I did, I am happy be a participant in the lives of those who follow the Lord Jesus Christ. I refuse to be a road block to those who want to be Followers of the Lord Jesus.

Any one who would refuse marriage to Christians wanting to follow the commands of Scripture, are a road block. The term “living in sin” is misleading. We all live in sin, or more correctly are dead in sin. The Lord Jesus came to give dead people life, why should we want to bury them again? For all have sinned… so then no body is worthy of marriage?

Nathan, and Mr. Bowder,

Cohabitation, ala Shaker, is not a sin, not a marriage either, but not a sin because the two are not engaged in sexual activity.

G-d is quite clear in his charge to us as human beings and our relationships

G-d leave's no doubt, implies no insinuation, there are no special circumstances...Sex...outside of Marriage, is a sin, a transgression against G-d's will.

Just because Y'shua fulfilled the Law and we live under mercy and grace doesn't give us leeway to go do as we merrily well please.

Paul warned us about that...do not test the Spirit of G-d, or his patience...lest he allow you to experience the full effect of the Law of Unintended Consquences...and having been there myself, I will say that is an experience everyone can do without.

Sheer,

I thought sex was usually the reason for cohabitation. Maybe I'm wrong. But all I can think of is friends with benefits. And if cohabitation is not marriage then can we not define this as sex outside of marriage. Sex outside marriage is wrong.

Nonetheless, I'd marry a cohabitting hetero couple if they wanted to get married. I would also advise them to stop cohabitting if they didn't want to get married for reasons too lengthy to ennumerate here.

"I thought sex was usually the reason for cohabitation. Maybe I'm wrong. But all I can think of is friends with benefits."

Agreed, hence the reason I used the example of the Shakers...which you may have missed. Shakers were a religious sect who married, but never had sexual congress with their spouse, instead, for them they adopted children and raised them as their own.

"Sex outside marriage is wrong."

Agreed, but "wrong" begs the question of why...which we must be ready to answer.

For the most part, we humans, and mostly men, find sex to be AWESOME, with no thought of the consequences of act, and for the woman, well, as much as people hate to hear this...here it is...

Our bodies are made to reproduce.

There it is in a nutshell. Sexual reproduction is how G-d has chosen for us to "be fruitful and multiply" and if sex wasn't AWESOME we would not engage in it...in fact, we'd view it as more of a chore, a "really...do I have too?" type of exercise.

Also, for the good of the offspring, human children learn behaviours from their parents, with the result being that minus a father or a mother, the child's upbringing is not ideal.
Hence, even in the unsatisfactory marriages, children of these marriages faired much better in their future outlook and interpersonal relationships than children of broken marriages.

Therefore, sex in a marriage can produce children, but it also produces a level of intimacy and trust which does not exists but on a superficial level in a "cohabitating" level or even if not cohabitating, interpersonal level.

I could go on, but I'll stop for sake of brevity.

@Sheer,

no disagreement from me...

I just don't assume sex is in the picture when it comes to cohabitation.

For me, cohabitation does not equal fornication.

If I want to know if a couple is fornicating, all it takes is a straightforward set of questions.

And this is a question I ask couples regardless of their living situation.

As an addendum to my above post:

I've never, ever met an engaged, cohabitating couple who aren't having sex.

Robert: all I have to say is that when it comes to the culture war, you've been fighting the wrong war.

Perhaps if you and other church leaders had spent half as much effort on what was going on in the board room as to what was going on in the bedroom, your country wouldn't be circling the drain right now.

Congratulations on swallowing the camel because you were too busy trying to strain the gnat.

Cheri, it's been my experience that the loudest preachers are the biggest hypocrites.

OK so there are some interesting comments here. I agree with a previous poster who said they have never meet a cohabiting couple who are not sleeping together.ditto.

My short answer is yes.

BUT

I counsel the couple to repent, seek grace that they might stand before God on the wedding day immersed in God's mercy. I help them see the foolishness of mocking God's commands and remind them of Jesus work on the cross to forgive their sins.

To simply marry a couple and then declare they are no longer sinning is to deny that the problem with sin is really their attitude to God's holiness and not just the action. Because they have now stopped having illicit sex because you performed a ceremony does not undo the hard heart towards God.

So I see it as a key opportunity to witness to them about the great power of the gospel.

cohabiting with fornication is no worse than living apart and fornicating.

I have done so before. It only makes sense to help people take the steps necessary to do the right thing. It gives me an opportunity to speak into their lives and lead them to a closer walk with God. I'll take that opportunity any day!

In the Church of England if they fulfil the legal requirements then we do it... ThTs how it works in a state church!

I am totally amazed at these percentages. If you put a cohabitating couple through the normal pre-marital counseling, the very act of the couple coming to God's church to marry is actually repentence in and of itself- they are turning away from sinful behavior and turning to the Lord in marriage. In my mind 100% of all pastors should proudly perform the ceremony and help them on the road toward a life in Christ. Anything else is santimonious and pompous behavior by someone who is not fit to judge. I'm an evangelical and the good news I have been told to spread is that God forgives!

I am a long term missionary working in a third world country where bride price is expected. As many young men don't have access to enough funds for the bride price, they will move in with their lady and live together. The bride price may come later - even 50 years later as was the case with one couple I married. They wanted to "sanctify" their marriage! Is sanctification the key word? They consider themselves married because they live together, have children together, pray together, and have assets together. What does God say about couples going through a "Christian ceremony" to be married in His eyes?

Wow. I realize I am late to this conversation, and that I am not from the evangelical or fundamentalist tradition (I am a conservative confessional Lutheran) but I am amazed at the curious rationale people make to excuse sin. Nonetheless, it is not that my own denomination does not struggle with this. As a pastor I tend to let God's Word be God's Word and speak his Word in love and care to those whom I shepherd.

Part of the pastor's job, at least in my tradition, is to offer spiritual care and give what God has given a pastor to give. In the case of a wedding, it is God's blessing.

The curious thing for me is when a couple desires to be married by a pastor asking for God's blessing, but says "No thanks" to God's standards for upright living. Why would a pastor want to make a hypocrite of himself and the couple?

Why is it that so many in the church today are so afraid to call sin a sin? Ephesians 5:3 says, "let their not even be a hint of sexual immorality among you" Further, marriage does not solve a sin problem, Jesus Christ (through confession and absolution, often with a pastor) solves a sin problem.

Is there any wonder why North America has become replete with what Christian Smith calls "moralistic, therapeutic, deism"?

In the end, my practice is to tell a couple I will joyfully come alongside of them through this process, to help them "divorce proof" their marriage in the way of the Lord (along with a few other tools), but should they, after ample biblical conversations and premarital counseling, choose to willfully go their way over God's way, then, I cannot in good conscience bless (sanctify) in the name of the triune God those who do not truly desire God's blessing. A pastor has to have the fortitude to speak the truth in love, along with the conviction to stand on God's Word, but also the love to take the time to "sweat it out" with a couple as they wrestle with the truth of God's Word. No, it is not easy, but it is what God calls his Shepherds to do.