« The Phil Vischer Podcast: Ep 17- The Rapture & Politics | Main | First Church of Public Opinion »
September 21, 2012
Christian Denominations are Like NFL Teams
If you don't have a sense of humor, then please don't read the following post.
In honor of the beginning of the NFL season and because I have a bizarre need to compare things that are in no way similar to each other. I give you a list of Christian denominations and their corresponding NFL team.
Roman Catholic – Chicago Bears
They've been around since the beginning and their history is filled with both conquests and venerated saints like George Halas, Dick Butkus and Gale Sayers. However, in recent years they've often been on the defensive leading to middle of the road status. Finally, Mike Ditka is Pope John Paul II and Walter Payton is Mother Teresa.
Episcopalian/Anglican – Oakland Raiders
Historically, a rebellious group of upstarts from the insurgent AFL that has tamed over time as it's come to find more mainstream success. Still prone to bouts of rebellious behavior that come across more weird than iconoclastic in the modern context. You have a legion of hardcore fans that refuse to leave even if your behavior seems occasionally bizarre. Al Davis is King Henry VIII and John Madden is N.T. Wright.
Presbyterian – New York Giants
You continue to have success in spite of the fact that it's entirely unclear why you've been successful in the first place. You base a lot of your work on your ability to amount a worthwhile defense and the fact that your success must simply be preordained. You're led by an angry man who will become lovable in historical context (Tom Coughlin and John Calvin).
Methodist – Kansas City Chiefs
You spent most of my childhood trying to redefine that gray area between average and slightly above average. A lot of your historical cache comes from simply existing and not embarassing yourself. Your fans are also fiercely loyal and very underrated.
Lutheran – Indianapolis Colts
Your relevance is based upon the prolific production of a bygone hero who led you out of the metaphorical wilderness and into the historical spotlight. Out of deference to the bygone hero, people are still paying serious attention to you, but no one is completely sure why. Peyton Manning is Martin Luther.
United Churches of Christ – Miami Dolphins
A franchise with a lot of historical significance including the only unbeaten season in NFL history and the crazy success of Dan Marino. The franchise's status has been undermined in recent years through a combination of identity crisis and wondering whether or not anyone actually cares.
Church of Christ – Cleveland Browns
You like to think that you have a long and storied history, but in truth your franchise began in 1999. A loyal fan base sticks beside you through thick and thin. Often characterized by an inability to find adequate leadership. Examples of inadequate leadership include Tim Couch, Kelly Holcomb, Derek Anderson, Brady Quinn, Colt McCoy, and probably Brandon Weedon.
Disciples of Christ – Baltimore Ravens
The more successful cousins of the current Cleveland Browns. Your success is based around the fundamentals like defense, running the football and not committing turnovers. However, to your detriment, fundamentals are really, really boring.
Eastern Orthodox – Jacksonville Jaguars
Because there is like a 50% chance that you didn't know they were a team and an even higher chance that you can't tell me anything about them at all.
Baptist – Minnesota Vikings
From the outside you look kind of cool and hip with your purple jerseys and your occassionally dynamic offensive player (Adrian Peterson, Randy Moss), but then we recognize you're the same underachieving team from years past. I fall for it every time. Maybe the cold Minnesota winters trick my mind.
Non-denominational – Dallas Cowboys
The flashy name and the stars are always enough to make someone check you out, but it's nearly impossible to tell if they'll find something brilliant or something that just sputters along until it falls in a ditch. Smart money of late is on the ditch. Also, there is a near 100% chance that the whole enterprise is run by a megalomoniacal white man.
Pentecostal – Arizona Cardinals
Everything just feels chaotic, hot and generally confused, but still full of some type of unrealized potential. It feels like you're brand-new, but you've actually been around for quite awhile.
Quakers – Buffalo Bills
They're quiet, obscure, and unlikely to pick a fight. Also, they both produced Republican's who were on a Presidential ballot (Jack Kemp and Richard M. Nixon).
New England Patriots, Green Bay Packers, Pittsburgh Steelers
These are the teams everybody thinks they are. They're perennially successful and are able to roll with whatever changes or developments the rest of the world can muster. They have their weaknesses and their strengths, but they are so well trained and trust each other so much that they can work their way through almost any situation.
Yes, I am aware that all of the above are gross caricatures and are not reflective of the whole of a denomination and I'm fine with that. The caricatures serve their purpose.
You might think I'm writing all this to say that every church should aspire to be the Patriots, Packers, and Steelers, but it's not. Churches need to be who they are and they need to own who they are and try and be the absolute best that they can be in that context. Every denomination has weaknesses and strengths and my hope is that if they all worked together, perhaps in some sort of national faith league (or NFL, for short), then we might learn something from each other and work towards a better world.
Do I hope for “one, holy, catholic and apostolic church?” Yes, very much so, but I'm not certain we can put that together on our own and during the in between time we can at least try and find a viable working substitute.
This article originally appeared at On Pop Theology and was reposted here with permission.
Comments
This was a riot as a football fan and someone with a slight knowledge of denominationalism! I think you hit many nails right on the head!
The analogy gets a little confusing when you try and tie it altogether in the end, since competition is sorta central to football, whereas unity (in Christ) is (or should be) the ultimate goal of the church.
Funny though, very funny!
Posted By: Dan | September 21, 2012 10:44 AM
My first impression as to your comparison to the Minnesota Vikings to the Baptists was, "oh no you didn't!" but after reading the reasoning...yeah, I'm hard put to disagree...what is it now...four times to the Super Bowl...expectations meet disappointment each time.
Though, in all honesty, I'm not sure how the Baptists will take to the comparison.
Posted By: sheerahkahn | September 21, 2012 11:09 AM
As an Eastern Orthodox Christian, all I can say is "Very yes."
I'm Keith Buhler, and I approve this message.
Posted By: Keith Buhler | September 21, 2012 6:20 PM
Come on folks...it's clearly missing the largest denomination in the US...the Southern Baptist Convention.
16,000,000 members can't be wrong.
Clearly we are the New England Patriots. Lots of wins, the best looking on field leadership (QBs), largest recruiting pools, and they have the best record for a long time including a huge number of championships of their conference and the Super Bowl. None of the other denoms come close. Sure there's some ethical issues floating around (spygate=unaudited membership numbers) but we just win. It's hard to beat a brilliant coach with a super good looking QB and a fleet of TEs and WRs. No running game? No defense? Who needs it, just air it out and let the TDs win the game for ya.
Anybody who disagrees...scoreboard. Biggest seminaries, check. Largest international missions force, check. Most church plants, check. Best overall hair, check. Largest buffet, discount double check.
Oh yeah.
...but seriously, don't you think the AoG should at least be the New York J-E-T-S? Or the Iggles?
Thanks for a fun article.
Posted By: Robert | September 22, 2012 12:19 AM
Very good! And creative!
There IS one holy, catholic, and apostolic Church.
It's just that we can't see it. But Jesus can.
Posted By: Steve Martin | September 22, 2012 12:33 AM
When this popped up, my first thought was "Us Pentecostals are the Cardinals"
...
Article did not disappoint, ha ha!
Posted By: Ben | September 22, 2012 10:46 AM
What would you place the Church of the Nazarene/ Wesleyan churches as.
Posted By: Allen Posey | September 24, 2012 4:36 PM
Your entire premise is wrong, you fundamentally believe in the necessity of the denomination. Denominations become something people believe in like a football team and neither will get you into heaven.
Posted By: David | September 24, 2012 6:43 PM
Hi David,
I understand your critique, but I would argue that I'm not basing this around a belief in denominations. In fact, it's more a lament of the existence of denominations than anything. I wish that we didn't live in a broken world where the Christian faith was filled with such conflict, but it is the world we live in.
I hope and adamantly believe that God will put this right, but it isn't the case right now and sometimes the only thing you can do in the face of a painful truth is laugh at it and do the best you can.
Posted By: Ben Howard | September 25, 2012 3:06 PM
First off- Buhler!!!!! Fun to see you on the internet!
Secondly- while I throughly approve of the premise of this article and enjoyed the content, I felt like we could do a couple more...
TBN = Dallas Cowboys; All glitz and hype- but when the storms come, it all washes away on their sandy foundation of fumbled kicks, missed snaps, and gold plated toilet seat lids
Victory Outreach = Oakland Raiders; No need to explain this one.
Posted By: Nate Labate | September 26, 2012 7:19 PM
Just the reverse of one of the other posters, I know a lot about denominations & very little about pro football. This is funny, but would have been even more so were I more informed about the NFL. That's not your fault, though. This was clever and creative. And by the way, we do already have one holy, catholic and apostolic church--organically but not organizationally.
Posted By: John G. | September 27, 2012 12:20 PM
Oh, and Herbert Hoover was also a Quaker.
Posted By: John G. | September 27, 2012 12:21 PM
I think it's funny that the SBC wants their own franchise! :D
Loved the article...it's good to laugh at ourselves sometimes. I'm sure Jesus does!
Posted By: bil_ | October 2, 2012 11:58 AM
So very clever...as a football fan and a Christ follower I applaude your sense of humor. If there are Christians lacking a sense of humor, I would highly recommend it. If there are Christians out there the are not football fans, I highly recommend it, as well! Go Colts!
Posted By: Lisa Herbstreit | October 2, 2012 2:37 PM
I KNEW there was a reason (other than the geography of my birth) that I'm still a Chiefs fan!
Posted By: marlamarcum | October 2, 2012 2:38 PM
And who are the Saints? All of us...with bags over our heads as sinners but unconditionally loved anyway.
Posted By: Kurtis Smith | October 2, 2012 10:41 PM
I'm afraid you are feeding the popular trend toward pluralism. 'Everyone has something to offer' is a poor replacement for sound doctrine.
Posted By: Greg Burts | October 3, 2012 8:35 AM
If that's true Greg Burts, the football analogy is perfect for you because you get to tackle the other team! :) Go sack that quarterback of unsound doctrine! Football isn't about every team being equally great and "everyone has something to offer"- it's about one team winning and one team losing! (but first let me humbly request you save your brothers who love Jesus from the Belichik strategies!)
Posted By: nate | October 3, 2012 7:24 PM
Small churches - The Seattle Seahawks
Everyone dismisses them and credits their success to luck.
Go Hawks! :)
Posted By: Josh Kelley | October 9, 2012 1:16 PM
I David,
Loved your analogy! I'll never watch a football game the same way again...I'll feel like I'm in church and will be trying to find the Episcopalians, Catholics, Presbyterians, Methodists, Lutherans, etc. on the field!
Posted By: Robyn O'Rourke | October 14, 2012 1:51 PM
Matthew 7:22, 23 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.
Posted By: Edatkent | October 24, 2012 2:07 PM
Why leave the Pats, Steelers and Packers out? YOu just need to branch out from Christianity a little...
Hindu: New England Patriots
You are stoic and boring, but at the end of the day your opponents can only shake your hands and agree with your superior ways and unnatural calm. Secretly they hate you and are are frustrated that they can't break through your Zen-like facade.
Judism: Pittsburgh Steelers
While everyone else has moved on to the more contemporary and hip "christian" beliefs, you stick to your old school ways of pounding the ball on the ground and grinding it out. You are tough and rugged but also extremely stubborn and stuck in your old ways. Also, you sacrifice a pig before each game in the parking lot as a gift to the Almighty.
Radical Islam: Green Bay Packers
Your followers are fierce, loyal and delusional. Anyone who opposes you is subject to high pitched yelling and the result is always the same "because Allah wills it!!!", "Have you won a super bowl?!?". Anyone who breaks ranks is stoned with beer cans and forced to shave off his sacred back hair, ruining the carefully crafted jersey number that your sister/wife sculpted in to "woods" between your shoulder blades. Followers are instructed to spread to the secular masses, form cells in those foreign locations and bomb local establishments on Sunday with your drunken yelling and the inability to function in normal social settings. .
Posted By: Matt | January 9, 2013 1:20 PM
Post a comment: